Adolescent men are often lost and confused. I know because I used to be one. Today, young men in our country often report feeling lonely and depressed. It’s difficult to become a man in a society with no real rites of passage that labels many traditional masculine traits as toxic.
I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some things God has taught me in the past 15ish years that I think can help others.
Dear young Christian man, here is some unsolicited advice from a stranger on the internet.
Run as fast as you can away from pornography
Throw your phone into a lake if you have to. Ask your parents to change the WiFi password and not tell you what it is. Chain your laptop to the kitchen table with a bike lock and give your parents the key. Get a flip phone. Seek accountability and transparency. PRAY and ask for prayers. Confess and repent regularly. Whatever moral action you can take to stop watching porn will be well worth it.
I assume pretty much every young man reading this has been exposed to porn. Stats tell us that 73% of teenagers have consumed porn, but the male rate may be closer to 93% (unverifiable but believable). It’s everywhere, it’s free, it’s addictive, and it’s damaging.
Pornography is not a healthy, normal part of sexual development. It’s a (reversible) re-wiring of your brain for the worse. It doesn’t matter if all your friends do it. It doesn’t matter if it’s just sometimes. It’s doing harm.
This is not to make you feel bad. It’s a wake up call. You have to build the fortitude to be like Joseph and run away from 100 million digital reiterations of Potiphar’s wife. Pray for God’s help. Start today. If you are struggling to stop, get help. You’ll be glad you did.
Don’t chase girls. Chase becoming the right man
You’re probably girl crazy right now. Most teenage boys are. But you are a major work in progress, and so are the young women you’re interested in. TBH, that girl you’re chasing probably deserves better than current you anyway.
Instead of focusing on finding the right one, focus on becoming the right one. Advice unoriginal to me is this: write a list of all the qualities you would like your future wife to possess (e.g., trustworthy, honest, funny, respectful, dutiful, responsible, caring, smart… whatever, make your own list).
Then, start working on the list for yourself. Generally speaking, you are going to attract the kind of person that you are. As a young man, it’s time to build. Make choices each day to become the man that the girl of your dreams is dreaming of.1
Read the proverbs—A LOT… Internalize them and put them into practice
Do you want to be that dude? Read the book of Proverbs. Money, relationships, parenting, anger, speech, friendships, legacy, success, practical wisdom, politics, it’s all in there. I wish I started reading a chapter a day from the book of Proverbs ten years ago instead of two years ago.
A big portion of the book of Proverbs is addressed to Solomon’s son(s). The first nine chapters of Proverbs are meant to be a guide for young men to build a successful future. The rest of the book serves a similar purpose. That’s why the phrase “My son” appears in the book over 40 times.
If you want to learn some principles on how to live a wise life from the wisest mere mortal to ever live, drink deeply from the book of proverbs. Open to Proverbs 1, get a highlighter, and read a chapter a day every day until you die.
Go to church, but don’t just sit on a pew
What if I told you all of your problems could be solved by going to church? You probably wouldn’t believe me. And, it’s not really true, but in my experience, seriously like 85% of your problems can be solved by going to church.
But only if you don’t just go to church. Throw yourself into the works of the church. Use your strength and youthful energy to make a difference. Lead in services, hold the door open for people, sit by the widow whose family is out of town, invite a friend, ask questions, introduce yourself to the people you’ve never met before.
My advice actually would be to go to church every time the doors are open: men’s breakfast, singing night, marriage seminar, evangelism training, food pantry, fellowship meal. Whatever it is, be there. God chose His church as the place where He will turn you into the man He wants you to be. But you’ll have to do more than sit on a pew scrolling on Instagram until the last “amen.”
Get out of your head and into the gym
You’ve got a young back. Go lift heavy things.2 Speaking of Proverbs, Wisdom tells us, “The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair” (Prov. 20:29 ESV). You don’t have the gray head of wisdom yet, but you have some strength. It’s your glory. Use it and get more.
I said “get out of your head and into the gym” because a lot of anxiety and depression can be sorted with physical activity. We were not created to live life like disembodied spirits, only ever using our minds. When you sweat and lift and get your heart pumping, you’ll naturally feel calmer and happier.
Also, Socrates allegedly said, “No citizen has a right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”3 Let that marinate.
Delete TikTok and Snapchat
And we should all probably do the same with Instagram and X and Facebook too if I am being real with you. Why? These platforms are serving up cheap dopamine hits engineered to addict you to the ad-selling, data-mining schemes of greedy tech bros. They make you miserable and addicted while fooling you into thinking they are providing real social connection.
More worthwhile things deserve your attention. Connect with people IRL. Be able to go hours without checking your notifications. Touch some grass.4
Choose to do hard things. Run courageously into responsibility
There a lot of young men who are just coasting. I’ve met young bucks who avoid responsibility like it’s the plague and are allergic to doing hard things. That used to be me. Don’t be like that.
Some young men think, “I’ll worry about that when I am an adult. Right now I am young and I just want to have fun.” They take the path of least resistance. They’d rather play another hour of Fortnite than help mom do the dishes or take out the trash. Again, I’ve been there. But here’s what nobody told me: if you avoid responsibility now, you likely always will.
There’s no magic line you cross to go from a boy to a man. If you are a young man, you are becoming a man right now. You don’t have to look into the future to see the kind of man you’ll most likely be, all you have to do is look into the mirror.
Being a young man is about learning to do hard things, not avoiding them. You can do it, I promise. And it’s 1,000x more rewarding than whatever the path of least resistance is. While you’re young and strong and learning, seek more responsibility, not less. Future you will thank you.
Well that’s all I got. Put God first, try your best, and learn from your mistakes. You got this!
While you’re here, let me tell you about my new project
Check out Locusts and Wild Honey, my new publication where I plan to tackle some deeper topics.
Full disclosure, I did not follow this advice. I found the right girl when I was very much so the wrong young man. My wife took a gamble and it paid off by God’s grace. If I could go back I would do more earlier to be the man my wife deserves.
A piece of advice I followed regrettably late.
If you’re not sold on why teens (especially) should delete social media, read or listen to The Anxious Generation (affiliate link). H/t to my good friends
and for insisting I read this book.
love this Mr Preacher man